9 yil.

9 yil gecmis aradan.
koskoca 9 yil.
O zamanlari beni gözyaslarimla o kitada yalniz birakmistin.
Hic de bakmadin arkana cünkü gittigin yerde seni bekleyen biri vardi.

simdi 9 yil sonra bir gece kalbine düsünce ararsin.
nur topu gibi sofinin dünyasini yikmak icin.
yada nur topu gibi bir eftelyayi öldürmek icin.

yemezler, oglum.
yemezler.

...

Wir betraten das stille Haus ohne zu wissen, was wir sehen werden. Ein Anruf hatte uns aus dem süßen Samstag-Morgen-Schlaf gerissen.
Die Sonne schien, als wenn sie uns Erleichterung ankündigen wollte.
Meine Mutter lief uns allen voran. Ich stand noch vor dem Wohnzimmereingang. Unsere jüngste blieb hinter mir und ging gleich in die Küche.
Auch meine andere Schwester blieb dicht hinter mir stehen, traute sich eines Anblicks nicht.
Ruhig war es. Timo, mein Onkel, Opa und Onkel Goldbach saßen auf der Terasse. Ein ungeöffnetes Weizenbier und ein voller Aschenbecher.
Ich drückte Oma Goldbach, die vor Trauer und Müdigkeit wie gelähmt dastand. Sandra streichelte ich über die Schulter.
Ein einst von schmerz geplagtes gelbes Gesicht schlief ruhig.

Ayni Bokun Yesili

Bilirim ben Doktorcum, 

elmayi yedikten, ayvayi kemirdikten sonraki halleri.

Ayni bokun yesilini yasamayi da bilirim.

Biliyormusun doktorcum, 

senden sonra iki doktorum oldu. 

Beni boylu boyuna yatirmadilar kirmizi banklara

"size nasil yardimci olabilirim " diye sorarken, 

bir mendil bile uzatmadilar.

Oysa bir not defteri cikarmali, degil mi, 

yazmali güzel kelamlari,

sonrasinda onlari suni ihyada kullanmali

defatir-i siyaha nakşetmeli,

ki bühur gelsin.

Lakin

Decv geldi, 

Siyah not defteri kayboldu

her kelimeyle sanki umut yokoluyordu

sanki bir ferman yaziliyordu, 

oysa hic cesaret edilmemeliydi,

hic el uzatilmamaliydi,

mazoşistlik senin neyine

cünkü siyah banklar makam degildi, 

ve senden önce gelenler vardi, 

biliyormusun doktorcum?

Ama bilirim doktorcum, 

elmayi yedikten, ayvayi kemirdikten sonraki halleri, 

bir mal-i hülyadan daha cikmayi 

ve ayni bokun laciverdini de yasamayi bilirim.

Weisheit

Meine Sehnsucht nach dem dunklen und weiten Meer musste ich nicht damit stillen, in meine Heimat zu reisen. Ich habe nun in diesem kalten Ort ein Stück Land gefunden, dass meiner Heimat sehr ähnelt, und ich muss sagen, es hat wunder getan.

Ohne das Meer, gäbe es Eftelya nicht, und es gäbe auch nicht den Leuchtturm. Alle Weisheiten wären nicht erlernt, hätte es diese nicht gegeben.

Das Schönste ist, dass immer wenn ich das Meer berühren kann, passieren die schönsten Dinge im Leben. Seit dem ich wieder anfange, meiner Seele zu horchen-passiert immer das wonach ich sehnsüchtig gewartet habe.

Diesmal werde ich meine Seele aber nicht abschalten- sonst geht mir das Glück wieder verloren, dass ich ja diesmal wieder ganz ohne Mühe gefunden habe.

Was das Meer mir ermöglichte? Durch das Meer- und durch die Begegnungen die mit ihm verbunden sind-schlug ich die Brücke zwischen England und der Türkei, also der dritten englischsprachigen Komponente meiner Identität.

Das Meer in all seiner Tiefe ist mal wieder Antwort auf die Oberflächlichkeit im Leben, und ein Unterstützer der einfachen Gefühle im Menschen. 

Schön dass es dich gegeben hat

Auch vier Jahre nach deinem Tod haben wir dich nicht vergessen Bruder. Manchmal scheint es so, aber wir haben dich nicht vergessen. Eigentlich vermissen wir dich jeden Tag. Man merkt, dass es dich nicht mehr gibt, denn würde es dich noch geben, dann wären wir nun bestimmt viel glücklicher alle gemeinsam. Niemand kann je deinen Platz einnehmen, weder als Bruder, noch als Sohn, auch wenn ich mal fest davon überzeugt war, dass das Dasein eines guten Menschen, deine Abwesenheit füllen könnte. Nein, Bruder, keiner ist wie du.
Heute wünschte ich mir wir hätten den Unfall gemeinsam gebaut, eben genau zweieinhalb Stunden vorher, als wir gemeinsam an der gleichen Stelle vorbeigefahren sind, wo du das letzte Mal in vollen Bewusstsein einen Atemzug tätigtest. Denn seit dem schwöre ich dir, habe ich nicht gelebt. Die Welt ist so eine Folter. Ich wünsche mir, dass das alles ein Ende hat.

Ich vermisse Dich sehr, Bruder. Ich wünschte ich wär' an dem Tag mit dir verschwunden. Pass auf dich auf und bis bald!

Deine Schwester.

In sich kehren..

Ach, wie gerne ich doch mit einem riesen Rucksack, einem Reiseführer, einem Notizblock und einem Fotoapparat durch alle Ecken der Türkei reisen würde. Interessante Menschen kennen lernen, neue Einblicke in die Menschheit gewinnen und sich dabei selbst etwas näher kommen...Jemandem ein Licht sein, eine Hoffnung, oder erlauben das jemand deine Hoffnung wird. Nicht das langweilige, alltägliche Leben derer in deiner Umgebung, sondern mitreißende Schicksale, oder einfach nur ganz naive simple Gesten, für die du wieder deine Augen öffnest..

Ist es wieder die Flucht vor dir selbst, oder das Verlangen nach einer neuen Welt, ich weiß es nicht. Aber ich fühle, dass ich nie wieder im Leben die zeit dafür haben werde. Irgendwie tut das weh.

my new hobby:)

04.02.1986

Geboren, in einem Moment der größten Sehnsucht, einer langen Wartezeit im Ozean, und einer schmerzvollen Trennung, Lungen voll mit Sauerstoff, soweit es noch auf unserer Erde vorhanden war. So erblickte ich die Welt, mit Aussicht aufs Meer, und es war ein wunderschöner, helllichter, und einer der letzten Tage im Winter. Ich fror nie, denn in mir brannte immer das Feuer, obgleich meine Hände, Füße und meine Nasenspitzte immer Unterkühlt waren.

Silence is disturbing peace

Silence is disturbing peace. Even more than words can do. And I don't even know which one causes more destruction.

Mod

Neden Chopin dinlerken elinde bir kadeh sarapla Berna gelir aklima. Ne alaka.

Neyse.

Chopin modundayim. Relax olmaliyim. Relaxxx!

Alin sizde dinleyin.

Chopin nocturne c# minor

Yeni baslangiclar lazim

Yenibastan baslamali. Yeni bastan.
Yepyeni insanlarla, yeni yerlerde. Silmeli kanindan canindan olanlari. 
Bencil olmayi ögrenmeli artik.
Bencil olmali. 
Kimse sana: Bunu cok güzel yaptin, demeyecek. 
Sen kendine demelisin. Evet ben bunu iyi yaptim, dogru yaptim. Iyi ki yapmisim demelisin.
Kendin icin en dogru olani yapmalisin. En dogru, en mutlu olacagindir.
Sabretmemeli artik. Birseyleri talep etmelisin.
Bunun icin ne istedigini bilmelisin.
Ne istiyorum ki peki ben? 


Peki istedigim seyi kendim yapabilir miyim? Bunun icin birilerinin destegine ihtiyacim olamaz mi? 
Bitsin bu kabuslar artik. Yeniden dogmak istiyorum. Yok yere birkac kez öldüm.
Bu defa bembeyaz bir sekilde dogmak istiyorum. Ya da bu defa bembeyaz bir sekilde ölmek. Süphesizki bembeyaz ölmek en kolay olanidir.


Yalniz ölürsün. Ama yalniz dogmassin. Beni birileri dogursun yeniden. Büyütsün. 
Ya da vazgectim. Seni birileri dogurursa, onlara bu canin icin borclu kalacaksindir.
Vazgectim. Kimseyi istemiyorum.
Ben kendi kendimi dogurmaliyim.
Bunun icin son kez ölmeli, borclu olduklarimla hesaplasmali.

Uykusuz

Buyrun buyrun.

Meraktan catliyor bazilariniz. Bilmek istediklerinizi soruverin de ona göre yazivereyim. Artik paylasacak birseyim kalmadigi icin buralara ugramiyorum pek. Aslinda size birkac tane resim göstermeli. Gözleriniz yazi okumaktan yorulmustur, resimlere bakarak dinlendiriverirsiniz bari.

Aslinda ne entaresan hayatim varmis. Ne bileyim disaridakilerin beni nasil gördüklerini. Gezmis, dünya görmüs, derdi olmayan simarik bir kizmisim. Üstelik okuyormusum da cok bilmis misim. Birilerini beni kiskaniyor mu ne?

Sacmaladin yine. Kapa ceneni de git yat.

evlenen evlenene.

• Bugün biri daha ayrildi aramizdan. Kinasini yakiverdik bugün. Güle güle dedik. O artik bizden degil.Darisi benim basima mi desem, Allah gecinden versin mi desem. Kararsizim.Hayat bu iste. Sen bes yil boyunca bir adami sev. Sonra onu aslinda sevmedigine kanaat getir... Sonra seni o bes yil icerisinde beklemis olan baska biri ciksin.  Onunla da 9 ay icinde evleniver.Kismet. Hemde nerede evleniyor, bir bilseniz. Önceki adamla nisan merasiminin oldugu ayni salonda. Hayat kisacik bir sürede nekadar degisiveriyormus. Korktum. Benim hayatim degismeyiversin.
• Rahmetli yasiyor olsaydi, bu kutlamada cok eglenecekti, diye düsündüm. Nezaman gitmis, gitmeseydi o hepsinden önce mi evlenecekmis, nasil evlenecekmis, diye hayal ettim.
• Öteki arkadasim da bebek mevlüdü yapiyormus. Nezaman evlenmis, nezaman dogurmus, nezaman cikmis bebegin 40ì ben anlamadim.
• Haziran gelmis. Nezaman gelmis, niye sicaklar hazirani beklemis, günler bir bir ilerliyorken ben niye yerimde sayiyorum?
• Kendini bulmak icin kendini kaybetmek lazimmis. Ben kac kere kaybedip buldum sandim kendimi. Yine kaybetmek istemiyorum. Kazanmak lazim.
• Su insanogluna sasarim ya. Gülmeyi de aglamayi da birarada yapariz. Dertlerimizi taslar yasasa catlarlarmis, bizim hic bir tarafimiza hic bi b** olmasin.
• Gece yarisi yine sacmalamaya baslamisim. Bu saate kadar niye oturdum. Niye yatmamisim.Uykudan önemli miymis bu blog denilen sey de.
• Segilim telefonuna neden bakmaz?
• .Yarin havalar güzel olsa, ben uykumu alsam da zaman dursa yarin.
• Off yeter artik. Uyumaliyim. Dur demeli su Eftelya`ya. Kapa ceneni de git yat. Sacmaladin yine.

Msg in a blog

The following words will apply to all of my friends who have been visiting my blog recently and have been shocked by the sudden change of things in my life. U know how I got there? 

Out there in the world, there are people that I will never forget. I am deeply indebted to these people and although it seems like I would not care enough. I appreciate every effort they made to make me happy. It is just because of you I found the track to happines again! May God bless whatever u attempt. 

I have again proven it to myself. We ourself are making the road to santiago! WE make the roads by walking. There is a way to happiness, you just have to listen with ALL senses that God gave you. 

The people you meet  on the way to satiago are important. Listen to them, they all have a message for you. There is a purpose why you met them, don't underetsimate the power of these coincidences and the power they might have upon your life.

To cut a long story short, every person who have had some kind of effect in my life is appreciated. I am deeply grateful!

Dear friends, 

eftelya is not around those days. I apologize. Being busy using every minute for the most purposeful things in life. 

Pray for me, my dearest friends. So nothing throws me out of this feeling, the feeling that makes every hard step only an easy move.

If you see me writing too much, this means I have chosen to remain silent. For now I am making peace with speaking and breaking peace with silence.

[Wow, getting philosophical again. Whoever gets the message will win a nice sweet dish made my eftelya:) Good luck.]

Glück

Das höchste Glück besteht in der Überzeugung, geliebt zu werden.

(Viktor Hugo)

Cano

[...]Und unsere Seelen sollen inne halten, auch wenn die Welt uns trennt[...]

Weisheit (2005) 

silence was holding peace

It's too loud, 

holding peace is endangered,

not holding it too tight anymore

But cannot live without speaking

and I don't wanna disturb peace

so I have to simply write

again.

Lieben

Ich liebte nicht das Herz, 
ich liebte
die schöne Seele.

My harbor..

He is my world from now on, she said, my harbor in so difficult a time. He is my final destination at last. I will never die again for any rebirth.

Gasping for air she makes a last move before all her strength ceases from her veins-she hits the bottom. But with a smooth wave she is carried to the surface again. 

I have come from far away places. I have gone through a many dangers, have swum in every waters. Be kind and give me shelter, she wanted to say, but was too ashamed to beg for the help of this strange harbor, which was waiting for an explanation of hitting its territory in such an unsuitable time.

I had nowhere to go. And no one to help. A stranger on the way has told me I must go on, 'til I will find a cove. Do not stop there, he said, but keep going for another couple months and you will find a harbor that is guarded by two lighthouses. They will not ask you who you are, just show them your blue hair, Eftelya, and they will let you pass....

Schnellgruß and Update

I think I have never left my blog alone for so long, even though I had a lot to share.
Starting with greetings and many thanks to my dear friend Katya. Fortunately I heard you made it to the airport on time and on top of all the effort you even thought of me and sent me some gifts. I love Ikram, I love the slippers, I LOVE TURKISH COFFEE! (apart from italian Espresso). When I get a chance I will make one and send it to Melek so she can read my fortune. She owes me that:) Or else I will send it to you, Katya and you will find some professional fortune teller for me who is willing to read out of a photograph.

My life has a new chapter. This chapter has two protagonists. You will follow me autodiagetic as well as extradiegetic and sometimes even heterodiagetic. The focalization will vary because sometimes I know more than I think, sometimes I Don't know anything at all, or sometimes.. I just don't know that I don't know.

I will skip the Exposition of characters, and will throw you right into the story.
But for now you will have to wait.
I will be back.

Eşhel

Yüregine taptigim
ruhumu bu hapisten kurtaran hangi sevgidir, saygidir...
bana su zincirlerimi kirdirip umut veren hangi afüv yürektir 
catlamadan
tüm günahlarimla bana kendimi gösteren
aynam.
tüm dogru bildiklerimin
ucuz bir makyaj gibi 
en aci günümde- ılık degil-
ölüm sogugu bir yagmurda suratimdan akip gittiginde
kalbimdeki o harabeyi gören, 
hangi eşheldir...

Umut veya Beyaz Kagit

Hersey olmaya hazir bir beyaz kagitti

umudum

istedigim gibi bükmek,

kesmek

bicim bicim renk vermekti istegim,

kat kat katlayip,

üstüne renkli taslar yapistirmak..

hersey olmaya hazir bir beyaz kagit olmakti

umudum

tüm masumiyetimle

kendimi bir cift güvenli ellere teslim etmekti

hayalim.

Yeni bir sayfa actim, 

hersey olmaya hazir bir beyaz kagitsin, umudum...

Easter wishes...

To all my haters, my stalkers and all those others who love me:  

I wish all of my friends a very happy Easter Holiday!

Mutlulugun fotografini gördüm

Mutlulugun fotografini gördüm az önce. Yan yanaydilar, el eleydiler, gülüyorlardi kahkahalarla besbelli. Katyam hep gülerdi aslinda ama bu gülüs farkliydi. Bir espri icin degil, mutluluktan gülüyordu o yüzü.

Icim bir ferah oldu ki. O bunca aciyi cektikten sonra hakediyordu böyle bir mutlulugu.

O dualarin icin sana minnettarim Katyam. O mutluluktan ben de nasiplendim ya dualarin sayesinde, Allah o gülüsünü o mutlulugunu yüzünden hayatindan hic eksik etmesin...Amin.

Kendime yeni sans veriyorum...

Yine gülecek nedenlerim var, yeni bir haber, yeni bir kader, kendime yeni bir sansim var.

"Dünyaya hep yarim gelirmis insan.
Diger yarisini burda bulurmus.
Ben tüm olarak gelmisim galiba.. Burda ayrilmisim iki parcaya.
Diger yarim da burda." 

demistim ya hani, hakikaten de öyleymis. Ben bu dünyada tümmüsüm, baska insanlar eksik olduguma inandirmaya calismislar beni. Iste bu hikayenin asli suymus:
Kendini göremez insan, yirtilir cirpinir kendinen uzaklasmak icin, sonra kaybeder kendini, tuz buz olmus bi halde, uyanir o kabustan... Oysa mutlu olmak icin kendini görmesi yeterliymis ki bunu nezaman anlamis?
Bir gün bir aynayla karsilastiginda.
Diger yarimi bulmustum.
Simdiyse aynami buldum...

Kendime yeni bir sans lazim, demistim. Hakkimi kulaniyorum.

Kendine yeni sanslar ver..

Evet Katya,
at eskileri, ac kollarini yenilere., aslinda yenilere de degil, dogrulara ac kollarini. Mazidede olanlarin faturasini cikarma iyi insanlara...Kendini güvende hissediyor musun? Onu söyle! Hersey güllük gülistanlikken yikilmaz bu hayaller. Biryerlerde pürüz vardi elbette.

Bu dünyada hala kalbi iyi insanlar varmis Katya! Tüm saygini sevgini hakedenler varmis Katya! Tek bir hususta bile fikirayriligi yasamayacagin insanlar varmis be Katya! Ve o insanin yüzünü degil, kalbini seveceksin Katya!
Senin gözlerindeki aciyi görenler, sebebini soranlar cikacak. Onlar öncekiler gibi pasif olmayacak. Ve o acilari ona acacaksin. Cekinmeden, utanmadan anlatacaksin. Ve O seni anlayacak, ve sana senin bilmedigin seni anlatacak.

Kontrol elindeyken mutluysan, Mutlusun, huzurlusun.
Kontrol elinde degilken mutluysan. Asiksin.
Ask ve mutluluk ayni seyler degildir Katya.
ama mutluluk askin annesidir.
ama ask mutlulugun ancak üvey annesi olabilir.

Venice and Bergamo :)

Dear evil residents,
I was thinking about my trip to fuckn Bergamo and Venice..Thinking about VERDONE:-)
Amore mio,  I love Italia!

Weisheit in Sicht

Meine Geduld, Geduldlosigkeit, Nevosität, Träume und Alpträume. Alles aus einem Grund.
Ich hatte sie verloren, ich fand sie wieder. Ich finde die unsichtbare Kraft wieder, die mich so lange Jahre geführt hat.
Sie zeigt mir, dass mein Leiden endlich ein Ende hat, und das sich mir neue Türen öffnen werden.
Es hat einen Grund, warum du mich so sehr leiden liest, Weisheit. Einen Grund warum ich so lange warten musste, bis ich dich wieder in die Arme schließen darf. Du hast an mir gefeilt und mich dem rechten Weg geleitet.
Ich werde dich mit offenen Herzen empfangen, Weisheit!

Lucidic Dreams

Eftelya is seeking refuge in some stupid Turkish series these days. Really stupid. Not because the main actor is one of the most good looking turkish models, but also because the scenario is just great. Nothing is like it seems to be. You can never even trust your friends. Who knows i they would not betray you...
Anyways. If I ever fall in love again,dear God,  please let him look like that guy :-) ( occhio, it will be an ugly old fat, bald and stupid guy with pimples...)
Ok, kidding aside. Fosforlu'm really fell in love recently. It's like a joke. And guess what, (surprise) he is not fat, ugly, bald and stupid...to the contrary of my prediction. So dear God, no punishment for this please, I really want the guy from TV...

I wanna sleep, and not get up, because the dreams are the only place where I can affect things to be like I want them to be.
Lucidic Dreams...

Mail from Turkey

 Today I got a registered mail. This is, I think the first time I received registered post and I can not explain the amazement I felt when I found out who it was from..Katya!

Canim dostum benim, zahmet etmis, düsünmüs, bana hediye yollamis. Nekadar duygulandim. Bir de iadeli taahhütlü yollamis ki aglamamak icin kendimi zor tuttum. Icine koydugu Jelibon ve kalemin degeri pahabicilmez benim icin, ama üzerine bile asagi yukari 4ytl'lik pul yapistirmis, direk benim elime gecsin, ve yolda kaybolmasin diye...

How thoughtful of her.. 

Jelibonlari hemen götürdüm bir oturusta, belki hatirliyorsun katya'm , jelibonlarin hayatimda güzel bi yeri olmustu...

Böyle dostlari olmali insanin. Beklemediginde seni böyle sevindirebilmeli.... Dualarim hep seninle fosforlu Katya'm. Beni hatirladigin icin tesekkür ederim. Iyi ki varsin. Iyi ki herzaman varolacaksin...

To my Erasmus-People

My dear friends,

I feel obliged to open my heart from here to you all over there, all of you whom I have shared so much in such a short time.

It's been a week now, that I returned to cold and grey Germany and still every day I wake up thinking it is just a nightmare here and I will return to Residence Evil.

My Italian moka has taken it's place in our kitchen. I bought the Lavazza coffee, too, just as we were used to it in Flat 103 A. Guess what, Elisa, I had forgotten that I actually own a whole set of very original italian coffee cups. Now, I am using them in the real proper way 'for drinkin' de coffeeeeee'.! Italian espresso has now an inevitably important role in my life!

Ey, Ali, Alter Falter in Malta! Aciiiiiiilen kendine gel! Böyle hayat olmaz, sacma, salak, dingil bohemiaaa! Bi cüzdana bile sahip cikamiyorsun! Bizim rock'ci gencler bile zincire baglayip cebine atiyo! Aciiiilen kendine gelmelisin!

Elena, that is so good news my dear! You should come here to improve your German. And I think it would be the best you could do to prevent an even deeper post-erasmus-depression. Before I forget, there is some little thing I was going to send you, but before I can do this, I will need your adress. Please write it to me!

But like what do you like think like Natasza! It is still such a deep pain, not having been able to say a proper goodbye at the airport. I only remember this dramatic.. "Natasza! Wait. I have to go" and you: " Eftelya....." " One second, Natasza!" "Eftelya..." pulling out my self-made card for you " Here Natasza, take this and go. I have to run. Take care. I love you..." I said already half running, dragged down by the weight of my backback... We did not want to accept that it was over. That's why we pulled it so much to the end... I bearely remember more dramatic situations at airports even though I would say I spent half of my life at airports saying goodbyes...

Melek, I saw on turkish Tv the other day, that there is now an MMS Service for fortune telling out of your own coffee cup. So if you ever need a fortune telling, send it to +49 178 19 71 553 or send it to my e-mail :-) There is no service charge for this! This is a special offer for my Erasmus Angel!

I hope you guys are doing well and I hope that your Erasmus feeling has really not faded away yet.  I know, we are all involved in our 'regular' activities and responsibilities in our 'real lives' now. Same here! Eftelya is doing and internship in a secondary school, watching teachers teach 'proper' English to the kids. Some of you always joked about me, correcting your grammar while speaking.. and really teaching is the best profession I could have chosen! And it is the closest to becoming a mom, without having to marry :-)

I miss you! Terribly! Our family- breakfasts, lunches, dinners, Saturday outings, Paceville-outings, hangovers....

[One day, I gonna bigga residence in Molta... I go to reception... but there is no....and I say...]

...I miss you guys. A lot.

I was packing my suitcase and I thought...

Shit. I am leaving.
What am I most sad about? About all the beautiful people I am leaving behind, or about  the interesting people that I will never truly get to know because I am leaving?
Suitcases packed. Elisa'm got all my remaining food, my beauty products, shampoos, lotions.
Packing my life into a suitcase. 20 kilos. No rush, I say to myself, yet it is like I am running away from a war...
At least my Jellyfish Family except for Elisa and Ali are all leaving at once [ and of course Romain, who already left this morning :( ]We are taking a taxi in 4 hours.
I wish.. I wish... I say to myself.. But no. Erasmus is what I made out of it.
And I made the best out of it.
THE VERY BEST.

And off I go, embracing a new world soon.

Arts 'n Crafts

No memories what so ever from last night. Only a couple photos, people claiming it was me, but it wasn't me.. for sure...That girl with the hat.. for sure not me!

Due to immense hangover and loss of memory, I spent my day trying to deliberately bring back memories. I made nice goodbye gifts for my friends...

I'm sure they will appreciate it...

24

Und damit wäre das 24. Kapitel meines Lebens vollendet. Main events of this year:
Depression-->Erasmus--> Rebirth. 

Gecisler mi?

Herkes bi unutuslarin, gecislerin pesinde.
Yeni biri gelmeyecek, dostum! Gelmesin ya. Bu dünyada niye baska birine ihtiyac duyasin ki? Ne gerek var? Ihtiyac duydun da ne oldu? Mutlu olan insanlarin sayisini söyler misin bana?
Sen etrafindaki o birkac insan kadar sansli olabilecegini mi saniyorsun? Tabi canim. Milli Piyango sana cikacak. Hikaye! Cik su depresyonundan, kimseye, ve hicbirseye muhtac degilsin...

Zaten ummadigin anda cikivericek malesef, o beklemek istemedigin ama ister istemez bir umut bekledigin beyaz atli prensin! Bakinma etrafina bosuna! Ve sana birsey söyleyeyimmi, senin kocan kel olcak! Evet! Hem sisman, hem kel, hem de kisa boylu! Nasil, begenmedin mi? Bak yazdim bu blogumun bi kenarina! Hattaaaa ve hattaaa.. aknesi olucak yüzünde...bakimsiz cirkin bise olucak. Ama sen seveceksin!

Eftelya demedi deme sonra.

O yüzden, en iyisi isteme birilerini hayatinda.. Öyle bi esin olursa, cocuklarin haklarini helal etmezler sonra :)

Cheer up a bit!!

Zehirli Ok

Buradan aleme duyrulur:

Kime insan muamelesi yapip yapmayacagima ben karar veririm. Bazi insanlar insan muamelesini haketmemektedirler, cünkü... dogru bildiniz, evrende hicbirzaman insan degil, hatta maymun bile olamamis yaratiklar vardir...

Bundan sonra her nekadar pozitif olmaya karar vermissem de, hayatta tek insan var ki onu hicbirzaman affetmeyecegim, ve ne bu tarafta ne öteki tarafta hakkimi kesinlikle ve kesinlike helal etmeyecegim.
Buradan gözdagi veriyorum. Aleme duyrulur.
Allah'ina yakin ol, benden uzak dur!

Hadi bakim...

For this joyful day of my birth

For this joyful day of my birth I received a cute picture from my best friend!

Thank you so much, Cano!

And again, for this joyful day I will dedicate a romantic poem by William Blake to my readers.

The Clod and the Pebble 

"Love seeketh not itself to please,
Nor for itself hath any care,
But for another gives its ease,
And builds a heaven in hell's despair."

So sung a little Clod of Clay,
Trodden with the cattle's feet,
But a Pebble of the brook
Warbled out these metres meet:

"Love seeketh only Self to please,
To bind another to its delight,
Joys in another's loss of ease,
And builds a hell in heaven's despite."

I was an ugly clod, until experience made me a pebble. burning in hell in heaven's despite, and burning everyone with me.




To be continued next week for my rebirth....

"Photography is an Art, my lens is my brush..."

... said someone one day. Even though my art is writing, I am very inspired by another form of art, which is the art of photography. I see it as a form of continuation and as a concrete expansion of what a word can express. Maybe it's the other way around, a picture expresses more or just something different than a word is capable of.

Reflections on limestone, Sliema January 2010

capturing motion, and missing my bus.

Learning how to work with leading lines and shades.

heart, stained with tar.reflections on limestone.

Monolog II

Ich weiß, ich mach mir umsonst so 'nen Stress! 

Freitag wird alles vorbei sein!

Face your fears, everything will be alright!

(durchdrehen!) Nachtschicht!!!

Monolog

Aaaaa!

Was hat das zu bedeuten!

Muss ich wieder weglaufen?

Oder mit dem Kopf durch die Wand?

Face your fears, diesmal wird alles besser!

Photos of the Day

Dingli Cliffs

• I received very good news today. Makes me happy, without knowing why.
• The best month in the year is about to approach! The Aquarius Month, the month of my birth: FEBRUARY!
• My soulsister has arrived. Having a good time. Feels like we were never seperated.
• Bad news: I have 3 examinations on Monday.. Shit: Nothing has changed. Last year I was as desperate as I am now. I don't want history to repeat this year! I will rewrite history! (Please God, I have not done anything for you this past months but help me to pass these! Just passsss I don't want good grades!) 
•  I wanna be as happy as last year, when I was turning 23! I want surprises, good ones! 
• The weather is so nice, leftovers from summer!
• Oh, I just realized the humor of something I did. THIS IS AN INSIDER!  I offered peace to someone, who doesn't even like olives, to be more exact: even HATES olives!. I am cracking up at this very moment. 3:15 am , Saturday Morning! I appreciate your accept more than you could imagine.  
• I want to emphasize: I LOVE OLIVES! 

Dingli Cliffs. like a summer day in January

One song, one last refrain , Glory...Life is for R.E.N.T

Tragedy

Eftelya's World

It seems like nothing is happening, but in fact, there is much happening in my life.
My soulsister is coming tomorrow and I will take a break (!) from studying and share the stories of my past 4 months with her.
'Das sind ja ganz neue Töne' she said, when she heard how consequent I was with some of my changes.
I have opened the eye of my heart that I had, for some reason, closed for so long. And I have learned to keep certain wisdoms for myself. 
Because there is no one (!) who could understand what you mean, if you would just start to talk. Like back then, in the Age of the Wisdom:

[...]Aber wem willst du das erzählen? Würden die beiden neben mir verstehen was ich sage, wenn ich einfach das erzählen würde, was mir durch den Kopf geht?[...]

No, and because there is no one that understands you,  don't bother enlightening their shallowness. 

[...]Ich versuchte das, was mir auf der Seele lag, in meine Augen zu spiegeln, in der Hoffnung, jemand würde mich verstehen, ohne dass ich meine Angst überwinden musste.[...]vielmehr ließen sich die Menschen davon beeindrucken, wie sie leuchteten, und vergnügten sich am Feuer dieser. Es war entzückend für sie, das Brennen in mir, doch für mich war es[...]Stummer Schrei. [...]

But the silent scream is and was that has given the wisdom to some humankind. That is the inexpressible force that keeps life going and keeps the eye open. Looking out for danger during times, where the one-eyed-evil is going to pursue you, that he is the missing piece of your life.


And here, this is a dark piece on my bright side, my checkered floor of my spirits. When will I start living like a normal human being and be an almost 24-years old young woman..and stop stepping over dimensions?

Hic, öylesine.

Yasasin feminizm slogalari yine. Aciyla kivraniyorum. Hava kötü. Sabahtan beri de uykusuzum. Karardi hava yine. Gün ne cabuk bitti. Sinir oluyorum. Birtürlü ders calismaya vakit bulamiyoum.

Ingiliz metafizik sairlerinden pesinden kosmaliyim. sonra epik siirler, sonra ingiliz romaninin dogusu ve yükselisi, WWII sonrasi siirler. Biktim artik. Yetistiremeyecegim galiba yine. Arapcayi sildim kafamdan zaten. Sinavina girmeyecegim.

Nedir bu sürekli stres sürekli stres, her dönem ayni seyler...Ögrenci hayatimda cok sey ögrendim saniyorum ama hayattaki en önemli seyleri ögretmemisler. Disiplin!

Ders calismak yerine blog yazip okumak daha hosuma gidiyor. Canim dostum Katya'nin blogunu okudum. Nedir bu insanlardaki bunalim, anlayamiyorum. Aidasalem de öyle, depresyona girip cikiyor. Ama hepsinin ortak bir yönünü farkettim, her nekadar depresyon onlarin hayatini zindana cevirse de, hayat devam ediyor. Ikisi de egitimlerine devam ediyorlar, geziyorlar, egleniyorlar, oyalaniyorlar... 

Kafamizi abuk subuk seylere takacagimiza, ulastigimiz güzel , tatmin edici basarilarimiza bakmaliyiz. Ve hep pozitif düsünmeli, ve hayatimizda negatif enerji katan tüm objeleri ve iliskileri hayatimizdan cikarmaliyiz.

Kötü seyler hakkinda degil, hep güzel seyler hakkinda konsursak, kötü seyler kaybolur gider.

Bundan böyle depresyon ve bunalim kelimesini lugatimdan siliyorum. Pozitif yananlam tasiyan sözcükleri kullanmaliyiz! 

Like I said, 

there are no problems in my life. There are challenges. 

Time to move on.

Last weeks on the Island. Time to review. 

I realized how much we have actually changed. I'm glad I have changed. This is what I had been praying for, before  I came here. Leaving no traces of the old Eftelya. Depressed. Pessimistic. Unhappy. Unfulfilled. Unsatisfied.

Speaking in photography terminology, I have not only changed the lens I was shooting with, but also the Camera. I have learned new functions of my camera. The focus, and the priorities.

A complete new body. No, actually not a complete new body, but I think I have washed away the dirt that covered my soul for so long. Thanks to the Maltese sun! My sorrows melted away.

I tried to count the times I have laughed here. I have laughed every day, many times a day. I counted the days I cared about myself. ALmost 90% of the 4 months. How many times I stepped out the door to have fun. Almost every day.

I think I have recovered now from the big impacts of my past and have made peace with the scars that I have.

Time heals everything. It's true. Like 4 years ago, in  'The Age of The Weisheit', I have again gathered so much energy to fight with the challenges that I am to face soon. There are no problems. There are challenges in my life.

But although I am so much more positive now, I am afraid that history can repeat itself. I don't want to lose another person of my family and I also don't want to lose my innocence while pursuing happiness. People can become so ugly. I don't wanna become ugly,. Neither do I want anyone from my surroundings to become ugly. 

And I forgive them for their ugliness. It's not their fault. I only have to tell them that they are beautiful.

Ben bir mülteciyim 

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